Becoming... Known

Becoming… Known

I have been longing for something, fighting for it in fact. This year it started to show up and manifest in ways that my heart truly was not ready for, so it led to this resistance. In the midst of the resistance and lack of me wanting to receive love fully, God came looking for me. I spent 24 days in Psalm 139 and allowed God to show me the intimacy of what it looks like to be known by Him and his people.

"Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me " Psalm 139:1

Searched and known. Search literally means to try and find something by looking, and known means to have a personal experience with a person. The opening verses reveal how thorough God’s watch-care is over your life (v.1). I say “watch-care” because he is watching, but it’s not a disinterested observation. It’s careful attention. It is valuable, it’s vulnerable, and it makes you feel like you matter deeply (because you do).

I believe God does know everything about us and cares about us greatly and Psalm 139 is a declaration of this truth. God made us, knows us, and loves us — not because we are perfect but because we are His. This is wonderful and life-changing news, but this Psalm is also much more. David (the writer) awakens us to our longing for intimacy with God and shows us how to respond to His love. The final words of this Psalm are a prayer of surrender. We surrender to God when we see how precious we are in His eyes. Anything we could imagine for our lives is but a drop compared to the abundance He desires for us.

It can be so easy to forget how much we matter in a world that is not always good at displaying love rightly. Things go wrong at work, you feel misunderstood by loved ones, or sometimes life just feels heavy. Over the last few months, I have had to trust and lean on God for hard things and even trust the people that are around me for help too. I felt like I did not matter, that I was too much and every time God reminded me that I was enough and beyond valuable in his eyes.

You see, here is the ugly truth, we would much rather go it alone and be reckless in the process than trust what it takes in being known. We do not want people tapping in and stepping on our toes because they love us. We don’t want them looking us in the eyes and knowing that stuff is really out here falling apart. It exposes the sad reality that we would rather choose our own independence over God hopping into our situation or Him using his people to love us out of (or despite) our circumstances.

Inviting God to search me and know me is inviting Him to show me myself — my beauty and my darkness. Practically, it was me opening my mouth and telling a friend I was scared. It looked like me ignoring fewer calls from my family and trusting that they wanted to help. It looked like me trusting Him with a hard season and Him truly creating beauty from ashes. He is the only one who knows the depths of both. And He is the only one who can restore me to the perfection He planned for me from the beginning.

God,

What a joy it is that you know everything about me and even when I do wrong it never separates me from your unfailing love. You give it in abundance and it never runs out for me. I trust that as I lean into you that I will get to experience more of your grace and your presence. Thank you for always choosing me in the deepest of ways.

Signed,

Becoming...Known

Becoming... 30

This is blog is dedicated to my people. You know who you are, I call you my village. Full of family and friends that showed up for your girl. You believed in what God could do for me before I did and loved me fully while he did his thing. Your love for me has never gone unnoticed and is beyond appreciated. Stay tuned because 30 is for you!

I never use to have this fear about what was next for me until about a year ago when I realized I was turning 30 this year. All of a sudden I started to feel the weight of everything I felt like I should have accomplished based on the world’s standard. I started to feel the heaviness around being single, my career not being where I wanted it to be and feeling like I had not done a host of other things. Earlier this year a friend of mine was praying over me and the Lord led her to tell me to “drop my plans and embrace the now”. I wept and did not fully understand what God was really asking of me. Drop what??? Excuse me Lord but I don’t know about all of that.

In the midst of my pride and arrogance, God still got at my plans. Y’all he started shaking the tables of my life and turning stuff over and upside down. He started asking for more of me, he started challenging me to trust him, and he asked me to open doors so that I could fully heal the way he needed me to be healed in this new season. Eventually, I could not resist anymore, and do you know what happened? God had the nerve to bless little old me, and I am not talking about small blessings either.

I started to see him transform friendships and relationships with people. He had a strong desire for me to experience love and trust in a new way. Things that I never thought I was deserving of he started showing me that I was and he would drop another blessing on me. I started to feel the plans that I thought I needed to have for my life chip away and I was shifting my perspective. I became full of more joy, I had this desire to be with him more than I ever had before. I wanted less of me and more of him.

Here’s the thing, God has never had me out here looking crazy, but I thought he did because I wanted to do his job for him. You see God has shown me that flaws are okay, and that true healing will take place in owning my identity in Jesus. That I do not have to chase what’s next but merely stay in the present and bloom while God handled the anxiety I held. I did not have to search in people to be enough because God sent your girl some people that invited her to the party, and with that invitation, there will be a truth that is constantly spoken over her,

"Cre you belong here and are wanted here."

I began to understand that the no’s of yesterday will foster the one yes that will matter. I learned to remain passionate and patient in the waiting because what God reveals there will humble me in the purest of ways. My heart was always joyful even in sorrow because I had met God and he has shown me the beauty in just being myself (and I am dope).

You see God has molded made me into who I am. He showed me the beauty of who I am in unimaginable ways. I had to stop comparing my journey to everyone else. I had to evaluate the journey that I am on and see the misguided beauty in it. There is no train that is going to get me to the destination that I feel like I am supposed to be faster.

It is what has me excited about turning 30. God gets do far more in my life, and I get to buckle up and enjoy the ride. So while I’m unsure of what goes before me, I can be sure of one thing and that is that God is the God that will always go before me and that he loves me so much.

God,

Thank you for another year to honor you with my life. Thank you for my 20's which molded me and transitioned me into walking in the fullness of who you created me to be. I didn’t understand your plans and promises for my journey, but I do now and I’m forever grateful. May the next 365 days be full of honoring my life the way that you created it in every form. May my beauty be a direct reflection of what you are always doing in me. I’m so excited to trust you with more of my life.

Sincerely,

Becoming... 30

Becoming...Loved

This blog is dedicated to Breonna Taylor. Sis, I know I didn’t know you personally. But there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you and the legacy that your life was supposed to live out. People are fighting for you here. I am sorry it’s taking so long, I'm so sorry. I love you.

Can I tell y’all a secret?

Quarantine was supposed to been over and instead it is dragging me by my roots. I was not ready. I mean, yes, I asked God for some big things in March and, yes, he did come through. But I did not know that him coming through would mean I would have to identify with the painful pieces of my past. I truly didn’t. I just thought your girl was going to shed a few tears and go about her way, and God was like “No ma’am we will be healing this properly”.

Sometimes we let the enemy convince us that our pain means God doesn’t love us or He is somehow punishing us for something we’ve done. Repeat after me, pain is not punishment. It’s not. I think we think it is because it hurts and it is extremely uncomfortable and brings on a series of other emotions that we are not ready for.

A lot of us (myself included) are allowing our past to hold us hostage in in ways that God never designed because you believe that you are still a disappointment and that is not true. True and ultimate freedom with Christ is understanding and knowing in your heart that he has already paid the ultimate price for you and that God’s heart wants for His kids to be out here walking in freedom.

Are you finding it hard to love yourself today?

Remember these sweet things God wants to remind you:

God sees how hard you are trying to be loving, kind, and helpful. He understands that you will fail at all of these things! And he still loves you. Can you find the grace to love yourself even when you fail? Our culture preaches perfection He does not. He loves you even if you miss a deadline or forget to cook dinner.

God’s love for you is not contingent upon perfection. You don’t need to expect perfection from yourself. Can you look at yourself—flaws and all—and say, “I  love me because God loves me”? No one can beat you at being you sis (bro if you reading) so walk in that identity in loving who you are.

God loves you no matter what. If you are God’s child, you cannot escape his love. No amount of running can change that. He is always going to choose you, over and over. He loves you that much. He is just good like that.

God,

Please touch the hearts of every person reading this. May your love come like a flood and overwhelm them and meet them where they need it the most. God we reject lies against loneliness, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, pain, and even anger. We surrender that to you. We speak healing and breakthrough over lives, and courage to ask for help. Help them to know that they are fully known and loved by you. You have given them purpose and you are not done yet.

Sincerely,

Becoming… Loved