Becoming...Free

You belong. Your skin. You hair. Your soul. It all belongs.

You know if I close my eyes I can remember the first time I recognized myself as being black and sadly it was at the hands of someone that wasn’t black being enraged about who I am. I feel bad that they missed out on my dopeness. That they missed out on the way my smile and infectious laughter lights up rooms.

For generations before me my ancestors fought for the rights and opportunities that in 2020 it feels like we are still fighting for. Ahmaud Arbery was murdered by George and Travis McMichael. While Ahmaud was out jogging the McMichaels suspected he could be a burglar and pursued him. That pursuit resulted in his death. ⁣

For many in America, responding to the seemingly-endless shootings of African Americans has become a horrific form of muscle memory. After yet another tragedy like the shooting of Ahmaud Arbery occurs, we see similar patterns: an initial burst of reporting, followed quickly by social media commentary, followed by think-pieces across various platforms, followed by social media commentary on the think-pieces.

Within a week, however, the entire matter is tied up nicely and everyone is able to move on. Most of us forget as we return to being engrossed in our lives, only to be thrust back into this cycle when another new shooting is jarring enough to penetrate the blaring noise of our daily news-cycle.

The unjustified killings of black people in America doesn’t pick at a scab. We don’t have scabs because we haven’t had the luxury to be safe enough to heal. ⁣These murders further infect an open wound. ⁣A wound that reminds of the day to day of us trying to live and engage in a life that is worthy of showing people that who we are belongs. Recently I have allowed myself the freedom of allowing myself to be free in God’s eyes. Racism is about making quick judgments on the characteristics of a race to rate them as inferior or superior—demonstrating partiality or bias. Racism is a problem we can’t ignore or run away from. It’s an issue today, and it was an issue throughout history, including when the Bible was written. Let me tell you something though,

God brings peace where there was once strife, and kindness where there was once animosity.

For every person I feel like does not get it, God always sends me one more that has a desire to get it and understand my story fully. They pray over me, they mourn with me when I am heartbroken over another life, and most importantly they don’t try to fix it. To my white friends that are reading this and you find yourself with a friend that is not the same color as you, they just want you to check in. Ask about their stories. Remind them that they matter and that they belong. They need the reminder, because it let’s them know… they are free.

God,

We thank you that freedom truly belongs with you. That no matter what pain the world brings that we get to be connected in unity and oneness with you. I pray for the brokeness, and hurt that people of color are experiencing and they would feel seen and known in new ways. That they would know that you have not forgotten or forsaken your people no matter what the world may say. We all belong, we all matter, and we are all beautiful.

Sincerely,

Becoming...Free

Becoming...Still.

You know when you are forced to get somewhere and sit down you have a lot more time with your thoughts than you would like. You have a lot more time to talk to God about the aches and pains you have been carrying, he even gets at the stuff you don’t even wanna talk about. The hidden things are what I like to call them. Quarantine has gotten all up in my business, and I have struggled major with it.

You know what I love the most about this time though? I don’t have anyone or anything stepping in to use as my “scapegoat” for why I cannot get to The Father like I need to. I am literally the only thing standing in the way, and what I am seeing is that I would prefer to stay in the way. But God in his ever so gentle way repositions me so that he can continue get to me in a new way.

Stillness was where I began to be filled up in a new way. It is where I learned how to ask God for what I needed. It is where I learned about forgiveness. It is where I learned about trusting Him fully.

You see, yes, we are in quarantine to keep everyone else safe. But there is something so clear and evident that God has a strong desire to do in the life of everyone all over the world. He desires to break us from busyness of our day to day lives, and recenter our focus on him. He wants us to get somewhere and be still! We became those children that were so busy running around and making ourselves exhausted that we could not hear His voice like we needed to. He was still doing what daddy’s do in taking care of His children and all of our needs, but he needed call us back home to really get this work done.

Let me tell you a secret fam.

Come in close because I am going to whisper it real soft for effect.

....even though you are running you still gotta go back home.

I have some good news for you though, God is FAITHFUL and he always is ready and waiting for his kids when we are ready to stop running the race.You don’t have to be strong all the time, you don’t have to hold it all in all the time. You need a place where you can just be in the midst of everything that it is going on. In the stillness you get to experience God in a whole new way. The hardest part for me is surrendering to being out of control. I can’t be in my rhythm and God’s rhythm at the same time. So I force myself to let go, it has become a whole lot easier that way. I am able to shed the layers and identities of who I think Creseida should be and place them up against who God is already purposing me to be.

Our routines may be broken. Our reality may be awkward, but our God is still the same. I love Jesus, for real. I just keep thinking of all of the gifts that he’s filling me and my people up with in this time and it makes me so excited. Don’t let this distancing keep you from intimacy with God. Going to church is not a hobby or another item to check off the list. We have to believe in this gospel’s power to connect this world and heal our land.

God, Thank you for allowing us the opportunity to just be still. The greatest connection is our opportunity to be connected and loved by you. Thank you for providing stillness for us to remember that you are still God. May this time of quarantine provide sweet reflections of the life that you truly have for us. We can never run too far from your grace and love for us, and that is the ultimate truth. So for however long we have left in this quarantine may we spend as much time connected to you as possible.

Signed, Becoming…Still

Becoming...Me

This blog is dedicated to the sweet people who have walked alongside me as Jesus cultivated all the things that I would purposefully BECOME this year in Him. If I started naming you all I would def forget some. Thank you all for reminding me that we are growing together in this life with Jesus. Love you so much!

“I’m just thinking that this is a season of BECOMING for you! The way you speak and think has changed because you share his perspective over your life!”

A friend sweetly texted these words to me a few weeks back. I went to the dictionary and just had to break down this word “becoming” because it was sticking to me in a major way. I learned that it is a noun for the verb “become” which literally means to come, to change, or grow to be.

GROW TO BE!!!!

Whew. Wow. Okay, God, I see you.

So here I was sitting and settling in this new feeling of freedom with Jesus, and he was letting me know that this was just the beginning of the process. He was letting me know that I was getting ready to enter into even more of a greater transition with Him. That he was preparing to take me to a place of even more growth. Then this thought popped into my mind, “What if I am growing roots for the flower I am really about to become?”

Me? A flower? Why did I just say that?

You could have never told the 18-year-old depressed me that. I would have never believed you if you would have told me that I was going to blossom past that point. As far as I was concerned, I was kind of content with being in a dark place. You could have never told me that I would one day decide to stop partnering with lies and dare to believe that God could still use every part of me fully, 10 plus years later.

God had determined and said that I still had value. He said that I could get back up, and live a life free from who I used to be. That the world needed what I carried, just by simply being connected to Him fully. One day it just felt like it all clicked, I woke up believing that I was worthy and deserving of being free. Tons of people had believed it for me for a long time but I never fully carried the truth about it in my heart.

Recently, I looked back on this season and realized, I had made it through every lie spoken over me. Every you’re not good enough. Every no one will ever want you. Every you’ve gone as far as you are going to go. Every you’re an embarrassment. Too afraid during those times to deal with the pain I plastered a smile on my face and chose to masquerade. Until one day it all fell apart….what felt like another reason to run shame became a blessing that I gained. With the shattered pieces of my life out of my incapable hands, I asked God for the strength to only pick up what He could bless, and wipe my tears while I grieved the rest. I found myself grateful because God gave me strength in Him that I did not even know existed. I thought I wasn’t going to make it, I thought couldn’t carry on, I did anyway with him partnering with me every step of the way.

I am not sure who this is for, you are ending 2019 feeling like the decade may have been slow progress wise for you. I want you to reflect in all the ways that you truly have progressed though. How you have allowed yourself to have difficult conversations. For the strength that you really do possess down on the inside. You had some overcomer moments too! It felt heavy but you pressed through. Friend, you’ve still got time, because you’re still here. The goal was never perfection, it’s completion.

The things that you have gone through are not going to keep you from being whole. Trust that you are worthy of all the love and help that will come along the way. Trust that this type of love is so much greater than all the fear and lies.

So here is what I am thanking God for as I close out 2019:

That Jesus loves me deeply.

That God sends you people to partner with you as you grow in him.

That even when you wanna give up, God does not give up on you.

Sometimes success isn’t in what happens in the end, it’s who you become in the middle.

Oh and one last thing, before I pray us out. If you run into the kind of woman I used to be, let her know that she can finally give up on perfection, and chose authenticity. Turns out it will be the best decision she will ever make. She will get to keep everything she loved about the girl she once was, but add trust in God, self-love, and purpose. Now her life will no longer be built on shame or pain, but with the best of her broken pieces that always God saw as fit to use for His glory.

God,

I present myself fully to you. Thank you for molding my life and directing it according to your plan. Thank you for the journey and for what it looks like to come into more of myself. The journey has felt hard, but now I see the beauty in it being all worth it. Here is to me trusting and leaning into you, all while I bloom in your glorious grace. You are so good, God.

Signed,

Becoming…Me